Damn you Mind Sweeper - the best bits..

**The Lady Belle** · March 17th, 2002, 03:46 AM

Thanks for this topic of Mnuemonix over in the Wahoo Action Team section..The Dark Tower Board..

Ive cut/pasted his best bits here..and a damn fine read they are too...

Thanks!! [img]biggrin.gif[/img]

**The Lady Belle** · March 17th, 2002, 03:47 AM

For the past few months, I've acquired a new hobby while waiting for my piddly little 56K modem to connect to the internet...That hobby is the little ass crack of a window's game known as Minesweeper.
I never liked this game before because I didn't understand it...But, I started out, just as any other...Figure I'll start at the beginner's level, and never win, and eventually quit playing....Oh, how wrong I was.....

Bigger than any cock tease, this game taunts you from it's little window box like a disease...Sure, I started out at the beginner's level, assured I wouldn't win...Then the day came...I conquered the beginner's level in less than 13 seconds....OH THE HUMANITY!!!! ....

What to do next????...Instead of stopping right then and there like I SHOULD have, I commited the biggest sin of them all......INTERMEDIATE LEVEL....Where the teasing and taunting continues...."Oh, keep playing me, you're bound to win eventually.....and then, when you don't even realize it, while you're trying to mark all 40 bombs with flags, YOUR SOUL WILL BE MINE!!!!".....

40 bombs to find, so little time...I try, and I try....I get so close so many times...SIX bombs left one time, SIX....There were a lowly six bombs left, and they were all tucked back into one lonely corner...."Which ones to mark??? Which ones to click???"...The sweat dripped down my forehead, the tension rising, I mark a flag...And then another...And another......TWO flags left, 5 total boxes to pick from....And then.......BBBBAAAAMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The game is over, and all he hard work and effort DESTROYED by ONE LOUSY LITTLE BASTARD FUCKER BOMB!!!!....And what's worse...The game is like digital herione....I...CAN'T....STOP...PLAYING.....

DAMN YOU MINESWEEPER!!!!!! DAMN YOU!!!!!!!!!

**The Lady Belle** · March 17th, 2002, 03:48 AM

DAMN YOU MINESWEEPER!!! DAMN YOU!!!!!

**The Lady Belle** · March 17th, 2002, 03:48 AM

So far the only record I hold is 12 seconds for beginner [img]frown.gif[/img] ......I still have yet to beat intermediate [img]frown.gif[/img] [img]frown.gif[/img] [img]frown.gif[/img] .

DAMN YOU MINESWEEPER!!!! DAMN YOU!!!!!

**The Lady Belle** · March 17th, 2002, 03:49 AM

I DID IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.

HA!!! Intermediate Minesweeper, TASTE MY WRATH!!!!....Just thought I'd let everybody know last night i defeated the bastard Intermediate Minesweeper [img]cool.gif[/img] ...Do I now stop while I'm ahead, or charge forth for the 'expert' title??!! [img]eek.gif[/img]

**The Lady Belle** · March 17th, 2002, 03:50 AM

I entitle this sad tale:
I Will Never Be An Expert Minesweeper

Clearing the first wave of mines at the beginner's stage was a breeze, 12 seconds, done...I was clearly on my way to the top, I was walkin' on cloud nine...The general was proud of my record breaking time, taking away the company record from Anonymous ....Anonymous was an asshole, and I was proud of defeating his record...

General promoted me up to Intermediate status quickly, so that I could set forth my talents in a more challenging course....It was quite the difficult task, but I was up for the challenge...40 mines....I had to be quick on my fingertips; one false move, and Mr. Smiley was fish bait....I couldn't let Smiley down, he'd been there with me since the beginning....We were partners, the best in the squad...Sure, I'd had a couple slip ups that maimed Smiley, but he pulled through everytime, and we made through the tough times.

A little nervous, we both set out to battle...The field 16 X 16 with 40 death traps lying in wait...Smiley had that nervous edge to 'em, but I went in confident.....Got 1, got 2....3....4...And eventually, after a couple weeks out in the field, we got the last one!...I had told Smiley not to worry; he was in good hands, I wouldn't let 'em down....Again, we had taken away Anonymous' company record at 108 seconds.

Again, the General being so impressed with our work, brought us into his office...He sat us down and briefed us for what was to be our toughest mission yet....."We've discovered a field not far from here that's about 16 X 30 wide, and has 99 mines just waiting to blow civilians to the heavens...I need the best in my squad...I'm sending you two to EXPERT. "....Smiley couldn't believe it, EXPERT...He never thought he'd live to see the day we'd reach Expert....

It wasn't long before we were in our chopper to the field, we were both nervous...We'd never seen such a challenge, and we didn't want to let General down....Everyday we'd get a little better, checking off more mines than the day before...But never making the goal of successfully marking all 99 mines...

And then it happened....One day, while out on a routine flagging expidition, General decided to come out and watch us in our prime, to oversee our expertise...Things were going good, we were making better progress than ever before, 12 mines were quickly marked within 10 seconds...Soon after came 15 more, and then another 12...It seemed as if the enemy would finally be defeated....But in a moment of carelessness, I marked a clean spot that had no mine in it, and as General was walking over to give me a pat on the back and to say "good job soldier", Smiley noticed my error, and quickly rushed towards General, shoving him out of harms way, but quickly succombing to the inevitable....

Smiley was gone, the General was injured so badly, he'd been put into a coma.....I myself needed several amputations....And with a heavy heart, and a lot of shame...I retired from the Squad...And with this day of infamy, I Will Never Be An Expert Minesweeper

copyright-Mnuemonix [img]biggrin.gif[/img]

**The Lady Belle** · March 17th, 2002, 03:51 AM

This remarkable tale is entitled:
This One's For YOU, Smiley!

It had been almost exactly a month since I had retired from the squad....Almost an entire month since I made that walk of shame...I had killed my partner, my best friend, Smiley...My superiors had put all their faith in me, but I let them down....Hell, I even put one into a coma...I heard that after about a week and a half, Sarge (He got promoted after being blown up..'Least I THINK that's a promotion) woke up...He can't blink his left eye, and right eye won't stop twitching, and I believe his wife now has to open all of his ketsup bottles.

I myself had prosthetic limbs made after I had gotten my amputations...They looked just like real limbs...You could hardly tell I only had one leg, a half an arm, two toes, and one nostril...They were finely crafted articles.

I had acquired me a job waiting tables at a half-way mexican/chinese/italian/mongolian eatery house for gansters, ad agencies, and mongoloids in a small run down neighborhood not far from my government sponsored housing...It wasn't the most glamerous job in the world, but it was close to home, and the money was....Well....Aw, hell, it was money, even if children were getting paid more than me working in sweat shops.

Then one day around the lunchtime rush I noticed a fellow sitting off by himself at the table in the corner...Mongo, our head waiter told me that he wanted me to wait on him...This guy didn't belong here, he wasn't a gangster...He wasn't from an ad agency, and he definately wasn't a mongoloid...As I got closer and closer, I started making out his facial features from the shadows....The closer I got, the more he looked like....NO!...It CAN'T BE!!!....."Smiley??!!" I asked as I almost dropped everything I was carrying.

"No you moron, Smiley's been dead for weeks, YOU of all people should know this...YOU'RE the fucker who killed 'em!!!" the stranger yelled at me, spirts of spittle flying from his mouth as he got more and more riled up....This guy sure wasn't Smiley....Smiley never uttered a swear word in his whole life!..."I'm Smiley's identical twin test tube brother...Call me Smilee...Pronounced Smil-ee".

All that time with Smiley through training, and combat, he never once mentioned an identical test tube identical twin brother, or whatever...Try sayin' that 3 times fast...Anyways, apparantly he had been sent to find me...Annonymous had been this guy's partner...That is, until the same guy that got me killed Annonymous...That's why he had tracked me down...He cornered the enemy who had killed both of our partners, and since we were the only two left who had enough combat experience...He wanted me as his new partner on this mission...He wanted to bring me back to EXPERT.....

I thought long and hard about his offer...There were so many thoughts, voices in my head telling me not to go back...What if I kill Smilee too???...How would I live THAT down???

Dawn came quickly, and I had made my decision...I was going BACK to EXPERT....Sarge (who everyone in the squad now called "Sargeant Stumpy") didn't waste any time with mission preps, seeing as we'd both been through this mission before...He sent us right on our way, onto the chopper and into the field.

The battle raged on for days...A misplaced flag here, a large section of cleared ground there...Then, after a about a week, we finally made a score...We cleared out half o' the entire field in hardly anytime at all...The clock was tickin'...If we waited too long, the enemy would get away, and the small village in the East would be blown to bits....We couldn't let the time get to 300, otherwise the enemy would get away....250 came before we knew it, and we still had 20 some odd bombs left to find...270....275...280....282...284....And as I turned around, I marked the last flag, and saw the enemy break for it...My instincts took over, and I reached for my robo-gun that had been attached to my prosthetic left half of an arm, fired, and screamed at the top of my lungs, " THIS ONE'S FOR YOU SMILEY!!!!....

285.....286........IT'S A HIT!...GOT 'EM!!...Right between his big flabby man-breasts!!

The war had finally ended....Smilee and I had got the bastard...Both of our partners had been avenged....We were both given the highest honors in the squad, and I was given a desk job...Because, well, let's face it...There's not much you can do with one leg, a half an arm, 2 toes, and 1 nostril...But I went on to teach others...I went onto teach the best the squad ever saw...

COPYRIGHT Mnuemonix [img]biggrin.gif[/img]

**The Lady Belle** · March 17th, 2002, 03:52 AM

Glad to see I entertain [img]smile.gif[/img] .
Since I wrote the story, I've beaten expert again, shaving my expert time down to 225, my intermediate time to 53 and my beginner to 9. [img]cool.gif[/img]